I knew the moment I posted about coping mechanisms that I'd have a day where I couldn't cope. That day was today. I was on the verge of tears or ugly sobbing all day long.
Grief can hit you out of nowhere. When it does, there's not much you can do to stop it. I tried all my coping mechanisms to no avail, and I knew it would be one of those days. I had to get out in public today, so I did my "don't talk to anyone" thing. It keeps me from crying when I don't want to cry. I sit quietly and observe the room. I watch other people have a good time and just pray that something won't cause the tears to flow. Then, as soon as the event is over, I am out of there. Usually, I cry once I hit the safety of my car.
I'm sure some counselor will tell me how unhealthy this method is and blah, blah, blah. However, anyone that has been through grief or depression understands that sometimes all you can do is "survive." I am grieving a fundamental right of humans, procreation. I most likely will never see a child take her first breath or know what it feels to have a baby growing inside of me. That's a loss that takes time to process.
Many people say to have faith or never lose hope. I appreciate the encouragement, but I have to be realistic, too. We have no more money to pursue another embryo transfer. Four doctors have told us that it won't happen naturally. I believe in the power of God and miracles, but I also believe in accepting reality. If I am surprised with a miracle, then that will be awesome. I have heard stories of that happening. I know God can choose to do that for us. For now though, I am grieving. My heart is heavy. Please be patient with me.
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