It's Not My Fault

One of the toughest parts of the infertility journey is finding out who is at fault for your problems. How will that news affect your marriage? Your self-esteem?  Chris and I were "lucky" in the fact that we both had issues that make it hard for us to conceive. We have never once blamed one another.

This time with the embryo transfer, I felt that everything was on me. The embryos were already formed. All I had to do was be a good host and follow the directions. I did everything the doctors said to do - 33 patches, 31 shots, 2 surgeries, 93 prenatal vitamins, 31 baby aspirins,  45 doctors' visits, 1 year off work, and countless hours in prayer. Everything.

When the news came that our transfer didn't work, I blamed myself. Maybe I moved too much. Maybe I didn't take my medicine at the right time. Maybe I didn't eat enough Cayenne pepper. The "maybes" became all I could think about. The first time I vocalized a "maybe" to Chris, he said, "I won't have that. I won't stand for anyone blaming you, not even you." I knew that we'd always be okay after he said those words.

Today, the doctor told us that it wasn't my fault. He felt the embryos never had a chance to attach. When he put in the catheter, he met resistance, and I met terrible pain. I cramped and cried. The doctor said there was no way anyone could have known or prevented that from happening.

I can't begin to describe the weight that has been lifted after hearing this news. "It's not my fault!!!!!"  (God, you are so awesome that even in my worst sorrow, you show me how much you love me.)

Maybe one day, I can change the "maybes" in my head. Maybe I can try again. Maybe I will find the money. Maybe I can be a mommy one day. For now, I can sleep a little better and cry a little less knowing that I gave it my all.